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Let’s Talk About Sex

              October 27, 2016

 I’m tired of just hanging with the guys or girls. I want to be on a date like the rest of my friends who are booed up. Girl, that’s easy for you to say when you are going home to a man in your bed every night. Sound familiar?  Even if you aren’t single now you, I am sure you went through this stage at one point in your life. We all have been here if you are honest with yourself. I can’t say what you have encountered, so let me be transparent with you about what I have experienced. My last relationship was 8 years ago. Yes 8 years! I found that whenever I made the decision to be celibate and honor God with my body 15 years ago my dating life wasn’t as easy. Some people think that it is impossible to be celibate in a relationship.  It may not be easy, but it isn’t impossible. When God tells us, that sex should be within the covenant of marriage, He is not attempting to set you up to fail. God isn’t a jerk that wants to send you on a wild goose chase knowing you will never be able to maintain or obtain He has asked you to do. He would never give you anything to do that is impossible. I have no special ability and NO the call of God on my life doesn’t make it easier for me. It most certainly takes effort in keeping myself out of situations that could lead to sex.

Being single in and no committed relationship or courtship doesn’t make it less challenging either. You must use wisdom and don’t put yourself in situations where you know good and well it will make you want to have sex. I don’t care how close you are with God. You can have him on speed dial or wearing iron clad underwear, but it doesn’t mean you won’t have to fight sexual temptation. There’s no special superpower someone has to deny themselves. It takes using wisdom, discipline, and self -control.  Now I have done some pretty dumb things earlier while being celibate and everyone can’t do some of those things. Wisdom went straight out the window. For example, I was in a relationship and use to spend the night at his home. Wait for it…. not in separate rooms but in the same bed. Now you know God wasn’t pleased!  We are to stay abstain from the very appearance of evil. Now we didn’t even share a kiss, but was sharing a bed. I wish you could see my expression on my face. That could have destroyed my witness and destroyed my reputation if it was exposed. What if we were caught doing something so reckless?  Who would have believed that we weren’t having sex better yet not even kissing? I bet no one is raising your hand right about now. Well Tara, you are a minister so you can’t do anything like that. Oh, really? When did the Word of God only applied for the leaders and ministers of the gospel? Oh, we try to talk ourselves out of things that we don’t want to know the truth about. We fight with ideas and other scriptures to justify what we are doing in our lives. We compare our lives to others.

 “At least I am not doing, what they are doing! So God I am not that bad! God is still working on me! He knows my heart!”

 Yes, we all have areas in our lives that we can stand to grow more. God can’t work on you unless you open your heart to Him in that area. You must let him be Lord over every area of your life. We try to pick and choose where we want Him to lead.  We want Him to protect us. We want Him to provide for us, but our relationships are off limit. I hear already someone saying.

“I go to work every day and I work for my own money. I work hard for what I do.”

If you start thinking to yourselves, “I did all this. And all by myself. I’m rich. It’s all mine!”—well, think again. Remember that God, your God, gave you the strength to produce all this wealth so as to confirm the covenant that he promised to your ancestors—as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:18

Some of us get in relationships He didn’t lead us in, but we want Him to bless our relationship. The relationship that we entered ourselves without seeking Him about. Now that we have invested so much of ourselves we just ask God to bless the relationship. Now that relationship could be the one God has for you. Sometimes we move ahead of Him. You could have the right relationship at the wrong time. That is another message for another day. My people! My heart truly aches for this generation. We know so much, but we know nothing.  Thank God that He gave me grace to use wisdom and to make some sound decisions when I was behaving recklessly.  When you are in courtship, you should let God lead you in your convictions. No God doesn’t want you having sex, sharing your bed, and giving your body to someone who isn’t your wife or husband. I know that society tells you that it is okay if you love him and know you are going to marry him. Engaged doesn’t mean married and unfortunately that doesn’t please God. God isn’t trying to punish you. Have you ever thought that He commanded that because He knew all the things we could encounter? Have you ever thought that maybe that it was His way of protecting us even from ourselves?  Sexual sin is one of the only sins that you can commit against your own body. You don’t have to have sex with your partner to keep them. If they love you, they will wait and encourage you along the way. If they do not, then look at it as God’s way of protecting you.

 “Tara, I don’t feel I am having sex with my boo to keep them…Girl I am the one that wants to have sex. I have a high libido. I feel closer to them when we have sex. It gives us a deeper connection”

I have heard all of those before and I urge you to dig deeper for your reason. Maybe it is because it has always been your MO and you are just used to having sex in a relationship. How else will you know that you will be sexually satisfied with someone before you marry. Will you take a used car home from the dealership without test driving?  Your body is not a Benz, Lexus, or Jeep. When God leads you to your mate, they will have everything you desire and require. He is your Creator; He knows the number of hairs on your big head. Surely He can give you someone to satisfy you sexually. He knows your body better than you know. It is called TRUST! Now if you have had sex before marriage, pray that you have every negative soul tie from your past broken. Soul ties were created to be a beautiful thing. However, when your soul is connected to someone God didn’t intend or before the right season, it only complicates things. Ever had that boo that something just keep pulling you back? You can’t seem to move on and you know that it is over or should be? It is probably a soul tie. Before you enter marriage pray that any soul ties you have had in the past is gone. Your spouse will be competing with someone who is no longer in your life. Yet, they could very well be in your bed.  You could think you aren’t sexually satisfied because you experienced better with someone else.  That is why we aren’t supposed to have sex outside the realms of marriage. God wants you to have mind blowing sex within the covenant of marriage. This is important even if you are already married and haven’t done this.

 No sex before marriage will allow you to think more clearly. You can hear clearly about what God is speaking to you about this individual. Sex complicates things and sometimes become anesthesia to the real issues in your relationship. It makes you numb to the problems and allow you to turn a blind eye to things you normally wouldn’t. It is never too late for you to be celibate and decide to wait. Is it harder if you are already engaged in sex?? YES, but thank God that it isn’t impossible. It starts with your decision that you want to experience God’s best in that area of your life. If you are in an intimate relationship already, it may be harder for you to make the decision. However, His grace is sufficient. It will require some effort on your part and putting boundaries in place. If you think you have the greatest relationship now, it will make it that much greater. I must keep it real. Now in some cases, your relationship won’t last. You may start to see things that were once vague. You may not like what you see. You may be afraid of seeing the truth. That could be one of your reasons you haven’t initiated the process yet. Just know that whatever the reasons, this isn’t impossible for you to do. This isn’t just a bunch of bologna and it isn’t the new popular craze. It has been being done for centuries. It is what God desires for your life.

I have found that some of the strongest connections I experienced in past relationships were ones where we chose to honor God with our bodies. It causes you to dig deeper and to face the music sometimes for a song that you don’t want to hear. Yet, it will be one of the greatest decisions you have made in your life. For those of you that have already made that commitment, I am sending you a virtual high five and hug. I know it’s not easy, but the rewards of being obedient to God is much sweeter. Oh, yes! The enemy, will highlight other relationships where you know people are having sex and it appears that they are still being blessed with marriage. Why am I being faithful and all these other people around me have a woman or man? They look happy and I’m still waiting. What is the point of not having sex if everyone still getting the same reward? Marriage isn’t the ultimate reward of being celibate. That is not a promise if you keep yourself. That isn’t the reason you should not have sex. It should be because you want to honor God with your body and commit yourself on another level to Him. Now there are fringe benefits that come along with honoring God, but don’t let it be just for marriage. Why? When you don’t get married right away or waiting for years, it will be hard to continue. It will become easier to leave your decision to be celibate behind in the dust. I didn’t sit down to write about abstaining from sex until marriage. I thought I was going to encourage someone through their season of singleness, but God had another plan. God loves you so much that He interrupted the regular program to share His heart for you. I will post the other blog later. I must always be led and go with His leading.  . This isn’t something that is my personal opinion and that I made up because it sounds good. It is just the Word of God. Even if you don’t believe in Him abstinence really is a great protection plan. It allows  you to focus more on the deeper things in relationships that we don’t always discover until it’s too late. I can truly go on and on, but I just want to start the conversation

I truly want to hear from you all about your thoughts on having sex before marriage. I have received many emails and messages about this topic and keep them coming. I don’t always address them on an open forum unless God leads me, but you will get a response. The conversation about sex is so taboo. If we don’t talk about it, we will continue to be deceived. Let’s talk about sex! 

Tara S. Middleton

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 July 26, 2016

 

When I was only 110-125 lbs for 30 years of my life, people teased me that I was too skinny. “Girl you need to put some weight on those bones!” “A man need some meat to hold onto”. “You are way too little”. I wanted to gain weight because I started believing what everyone was saying. I needed more curves or thicker legs. If only I could get to 135 lbs, then I’ll be good. That was the maximum weight I wanted to be in my life. Then I gained weight after my health challenge, people started telling me that I was too big. “You are going to be huge”. My body has gone through a huge transformation throughout this time. However, I had to not listen to others when it came to how they think I should look.I had to love my  body no matter what it looked like. Whatever goal I set for myself now, is because I am doing it for myself and no one else. After what I have gone through, I’m thankful I’m still living in this body.I am grateful that I am alive. I have to remind myself of that and thank God daily!

It is something that is engraved so much into society now. We often forget that people have to live in these bodies after you leave them with those words. Our words hold weight and even though we say things innocently to someone, it doesn’t mean it won’t affect them. So my point is LOVE YOUR BODY no matter the size or how it is shaped!! If you are currently battling this, each morning go in the mirror and tell yourself “I LOOK GREAT. I LOVE MY BODY”!  Give special attention to the areas that you consider problem areas. Lets call them your sexy or love areas.

If there’s something that you want to work on to be healthier ,it will motivate you to do that. Consult with your physician if you are over 30, and you want to run. Create a workout plan for you. I will be doing another blog about achieving your goal weight, so stay tuned.  Just be sure you are doing it for you and not because of the pile of words that been planted on the inside of you. I decree and declare every negative seed that has been planted to be plucked up and I call crop failure on those seeds. Remember you are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image! Be encouraged you are a overcomer!!!

#lovetheskinyouarein #TransformationTuesday #loveyou#whoareyoulisteningto #EmbraceYou#Thankfulforabody #HappytoBeAlive#motivation #iblog #blogger #inspire#Healthy #healthieryou

June 3, 2016

2:38 AM

 

Tonight I jumped in the shower, well not actually, jump, these past few years I have had to use a shower chair. Doesn’t jump sound so much more interesting than shower chair? I think it does, but that is the author in me. My faith says I will be jumping in the shower any day now and we have to call those things that be not as though they were. Ok so now I’m preaching, but you don’t have to send me an honorarium for that nugget. LOL! So back to my story that was so rudely interrupted by someone who just loves to talk.  Tonight as I jumped (by faith) into the shower. I sensed that I needed to do something different. No I’m not talking about method of me washing this gorgeous hour glass 6 pack body of mine. (If I keep speaking it, it will happen) Usually when I get into the shower late night/early morning, I spend time conversing with My Father. He may be yours, but since this is my story He is mine. We can share though. I decided to do something different. I decided instead of the both of us talking, that He could just talk to me. All I had to do was listen. So I started to wash and just listened to what He Had to share with His beloved daughter. He showed me an image of something in which He wanted to expound. He begins speaking.

Then I said” Oh wow! That is why he said by the next time he sees me……

My Daddy says “You are talking. You weren’t supposed to be talking.

Really? You have a sense of humor tonight. Huh?

“And you still are talking.” he said.

I dared not speak again but wasn’t that some major shade? I just continued to wash and listened. Then my mind started racing to a plethora of different things. I was even thinking about a new shaving technique that I may want to try later today to go to the beach, as I was stepping out of the shower.

Then immediately God says “You are not focused”

I yelled almost at the top of my lungs “I am not focused!”

What is that I should be focused on right now?” I asked

Then immediately simultaneously he told me what it was and my vision board that was hanging nicely on my wall fell to the floor.  It shook me, not in a fearful way, but that I knew He meant business. This was a serious heartfelt matter to him.

The very thing that He had first given me to do wasn’t anywhere on my vision board. I thought I was already doing it. So I didn’t add it to my 2016 vision board, which is separate from my lifetime vision wall.

Then immediately it hit me after hearing God so clear. I had been praying about ideas that God had given me. He already told me that is was so I knew this is the season for those things to be birthed.  I was praying about hindrances, sowing seed, and praising for manifestation of those things.  I wasn’t given much attention to the thing he first assigned me to do. I had lost my focus. My focus had to be redirected. As I typed that last line I remembered God speaking to me about my focus in a nonverbal way.  I woke up in the middle of the night after having a seizure. My vision became very blurry than usual. Then it went black. I couldn’t see for a length of time.  I didn’t let it scare me because I had actually lost my vision previously when the oncologist and neurologist admitted me into the hospital for some testing. Then since then it has happened periodically. However, when my vision started to come back it was different than usual. It was really crazy for me to even describe. I remembered saying that it seemed like my vision was really off focus.

Then aloud I asked “God are you trying to tell me I’m off focused. What is it that I need to be focused on?”

He was speaking to me then, but I didn’t listen obviously. Until now, I debated whether I would tell what it was that I wasn’t focused on like I should be. For a moment, I didn’t want to be completely naked. I don’t mind being naked and unashamed in front of God, but wasn’t too sure if I wanted to be completely naked in front of the world. I wanted a few fig leaves to cover up like Adam and Eve did when they realized they were naked. LOL!!! However, I have to be obedient and that this will hep someone. I wasn’t completely focused on my first assignment as a minister, prophetess, or evangelist or whatever title in which you can identify.  I am not concerned about titles, but just the fruit.  If you walk in that office, the fruit should be evident. I had been focused on it because I was still walking in that part of my purpose. Yet, I wasn’t giving it a 100% like I used to do. I was having a hard time balancing with everything I had to do.  Then on top of that I am fighting the fight of faith for my healing and other areas that healing challenge try to effect and affect. I decree and declare that any areas of my life aren’t affected by it at all! You have to always make sure you are cultivating your gifts. Don’t ever get comfortable and you aren’t giving whatever that thing is that God has called you to do. We should always be improving ourselves.

God has called me to do a lot of things. He has given me many assignments and work to do. I used to ask God was he sure he had the right person and it was so much things that I knew I couldn’t do all of that. He quickly shut me down by telling me that I could do anything through Christ that give me strength. (Philippians 4:13) Besides, I am only the vessel that He chose to do this work through. Yet the first thing that He had assigned me to do, wasn’t anywhere on that vision board.I have to be real and tell you that I started to feel a little frustration the last few weeks. There are things that I have been believing God for years and some a decade and a half. Now the time by itself can cause frustration if I allowed it. However, I grew more frustrated because I knew it was coming from another place as well. The time wasn’t the biggest issue. Then the frustration began to grow because I knew that frustration could cause what you are birthing to stuck right in the birth canal. I knew the enemy can’t stop the plans and purposes God has for my life. However, the devil knows if he can cause me to be frustrated that I could delay my own manifestation. Faith is what is needed to birth what you are believing. Faith and Frustration can’t co-exist because the root of frustration is fear. Fear is the antithesis of faith.

Frustration can set in when you aren’t walking out your purpose.  It is like you have something on the inside of you that you know you should be doing. Sometimes you may not know exactly what it is and then there are times when you do know what it is you should be doing. I now know that was the source of my frustration. It came from me not giving enough focus on me sharing the gospel of Christ and teaching the unadulterated Word of God.  Sometimes you could even think that you should be further along. That is a trick of the enemy. That type of frustration sets in when you start to compare your life to other people. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! That is the trick of the enemy don’t look at someone else’s life and think you should be where they are now. Why should you be because you are the same age or you are older? Maybe you think you should be married now because you looked around and others are married? You could think that you should have a child by now or more children.  You have to know that you are where you are supposed to be.

Have you been frustrated? Do you feel like things haven’t been holding your attention? Do you feel like you should be further along in life? If you answered yes to any of those questions, it is an indicator that you aren’t focusing on the things in which God desires for you. Have some quiet time with Him and ask Him to show you the area in which you should be focusing. You don’t want to miss your season because your focus is off. Put on your spiritual glasses or contacts so that you can see through the eyes of faith!!

im so focused

 

be_genuine

People will simply make time for things that they want to make time for. I have learned that from different relationships in my life. I use to allow people into my inner circle who didn’t make time for things that were important to me. I dated a guy once and he always gave me excuses as to why he couldn’t make it to something. It could have been a date, church, just an event that I wanted him to attend, and even just to visit me. That should have been a red flag for me, but it wasn’t. Sometimes love really does make us blind. I loved him so much that I just allowed it to continue because after all his reasons for not following through always sounded legitimate. Besides, there were other parts of our relationship that was great. I thought that when his schedule was different he would be there more to share those times. After all, it’s about quality not really quantity right? The time that we did spend together was great. We always had a great time and good conversation.

One day I went into my prayer closet and decided to take an inventory of the relationships in my life. I wanted to see if I was there for the people in my life like I wanted him to be. God really started to deal with me. I also realized that I wasn’t really happy with that relationship. I really had to be naked before Him and admit that I was hurt and disappointed. I started seeing patterns not only in this relationship. I saw that often in other relationships as well there wasn’t an even exchange of give and take. I often like to refer to the bank account. If you keep withdrawing from your account without making deposits, what is going to happen? Your account will eventually be overdrawn and in the negative. In your relationships, you want to be sure that you aren’t the only person making deposits. I had a couple of friends that I also talk to for evaluation purposes. I think that it is very important that you have people in your life that will tell you the truth no matter what. Sometimes I know I may not want to hear it. I may get upset, and they don’t get offended because I didn’t instantly receive what they had to say. They know in those times I will really meditate on what was shared with me so that I can adjust. I am far from perfect, but I constantly pray to make sure that I continue to transform into the woman that God created me to be.

After these evaluations of my life, I realized that I was allowing people to constantly withdrawal but wasn’t requiring them to make deposits. Sometimes you will have people in your life that aren’t able to make deposits in your life and honestly there needs to be a balance. You can’t expect a person to make deposits who aren’t capable. However, that doesn’t mean they need to automatically be cut off from your life. I hesitantly say this because they are a few exceptions. Be sure to be led by God of who those individuals are in your life. There will be people that will come in your life as an assignment. Often we mistake assignments for relationships. That is another message by itself that I will write about later. Just be sure that you have people in your life that is filling those deficits. I learned a valuable lesson when it came to this issue in my life. At first it was a struggle for me because even though I was naked and ashamed before God with the matter, I knew I needed to express that some of the individuals in my life. Being vulnerable isn’t always a comfortable position. I had to realize that it was okay for me to tell those in my life what I needed or required from them. I had to learn to say I’m hurt or disappointed and not feel bad about expressing myself. Then you need to forgive the individuals and let go of any bitterness. Also, I had to learn to forgive myself for expressing my feelings because I would over analyze it and didn’t think I had the right to do that. Thank God for growth!!

Back to my relationship, I realized that the guy I was dating was actually making time for the things that he really wanted to do. I realized that even though our relationship was important to me, it didn’t held that same place of importance for him. I concluded that I needed to create more time for working on my relationship with God. I saw the importance of spending more time in prayer. I started making sure that I was really pursing my assignments, purpose, and dreams. I work sun up to sun down for days at a time to work on the things for Rare Rubies, ministry, ministering to others, and my dreams that are still being unfolded. However, I also make time for my relationships in my life no matter what I am going through. Why? Those are the things in my life that are most important to me. Now on a lighter note, make sure you make time to keep yourself up people!! Don’t walk around not doing your hair, with no haircuts guys, and chipped finger nail polish. Just get some polish remover and wipe them off! (Laugh—You need it!)

Once again….People will make time for the things that they want to make time for. People Who don’t will make excuses. I challenge you to evaluate your life. What are the things that you make time for no matter what? You will then discover the things that are important to you!

Why Am I Not Married?

 

Many women are waiting on their spouses. Some of them have become weary in the process. I am seeing it everywhere I go. Usually women that are already married pass on the advice “He’s coming, just be patient and content.” You also hear “As soon as I became content, that is when my husband came to me” Now the intentions may definitely be to encourage and came from a good heart. Truth is that it’s not always encouraging and can tend to have the opposite effect. Sometimes after being married, women may not always remember what it was like when the shoe was on the other foot. I will be honest. They really feel like you are going home and getting in bed to sleep next to your man, so you it is easy for you to say “Just be content, he is coming”. Lack of transparency is missing sometimes in these situations. Now hear me correctly, I’m not saying we should just go tell our business to everyone. You have to be led and know to whom you are speaking. They need to hear how it was not the easiest process for you and what you did to really make it through. Single women have been told so much about being content in their singleness and their husband will come. Content is a state of peaceful happiness. However, the wrong Idea has been put into these women about being content. Content doesn’t mean that you no longer have the desire for marriage. God will not give you a desire for marriage and then tell you it’s wrong to have the desire. Psalms 108:8 “God will perfect those things that concerns you” If you have a concern about wanting to be married, then God is concerned about it as well. He will perfect the things that concerns you. If you aren’t married yet, it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care about you being married. He wants to have your heart first. He wants to be more than enough for you. He is a jealous God. He loves you so much that He wants your attention first and He wants to be the one to make you smile and happy. That is the heart of God. Women also say “I’m lonely, and I feel alone.” Well marriage isn’t the answer to being alone. You have women who are married and they still feel alone in a marriage. Marriage isn’t the ultimate goal. You get married and now what? There is more in life to achieve.

I have been single and in waiting for almost 15 years now. I have gotten to a place where it doesn’t affect me greatly any more. Now at one time it wasn’t the easiest process when I had every one of my friends getting married around me and some of those friendships changed of course because their spouses are number one priority. I truly had to celebrate with them and then during my time with God I praised for my husband. However, I was in a relationship and I was in love and he was in love with me. I knew marriage was an option for us and it was the next steps we were going to take. One day he was telling me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t wait to have all of me. We were on a family vacation, but when I got home back in my apartment at college, I immediately fell to my knees. Bags weren’t unpacked or anything. I prayed and said “God, I’m sorry. How can I give this man all of me and I haven’t given you all of me? I don’t really know who I am in You. I know you called me into ministry, but I don’t’ know anything about my assignment” I went on a fast immediately and was led to end the relationship. It was one of the hardest things I had to do because he treated me like a queen. I couldn’t find anything wrong with him to make me more comfortable with the decision. I knew that I needed to dedicate a 100% of myself to God and discover my purpose in Him. That is why one of the things I stress through Rare Rubies is for women to know who you are in Him before you allow someone to pursue you in a relationship. If I married that man like I was, I would have wrecked his life. I wasn’t fit to be anyone’s wife. I fasted for almost 9 months. I was in the Word at least 12 hours a day and in prayer sometimes for 24 hours. I was determined to know my purpose and to be prepared for the work God has called me to do. I am not saying that you should lock yourself in a room for 24 hours like I did at times to pray and study to find your purpose. My only reason for mentioning that is to show you how determined I was to find out my assignment. You can’t find out your purpose without going to the one who created you. He is the only one that will fill the void that you have if you are lonely. Listen that is not just for the single women, but it is for the engaged and married woman. Your husband should complement you not complete you. I do understand that sometimes women don’t really mean complete, but you have to be careful what you say. You may understand what you are saying, but the next woman may not. We have to be our sister’s keeper.

I also I took the time and allowed God to show me how to be wife. One of the things that God had me to do was to get up every morning while it was still dark to pray for my husband, who had not found me yet, before his day starts. Yes, I thought God was crazy at first and me to for listening. However, that wasn’t just for my husband, but it was to build me as well. Fourteen years later, I still do that. Its’s not just out of obedience, but it’s because I love Him. Proverbs 18:22 “He that finds a wife, finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord”. Many woman think that being married is going to transform them into a wife. If you think that getting married makes you a wife, you are sadly mistaken. It says he is looking for a wife. That means he isn’t just looking for a woman or even a girl. He is searching for a wife. That means the characteristics of a wife should already be seen. He should see the wife inside of the woman. Do you really want to be married? Marriage is a ministry and it takes work to stay happily married. What are you doing to prepare to be a wife? A Proverbs 31 woman is a wife. She know who she is in Christ and understands her Kingdom assignment and her role in the home as a wife. She is confident and know that she is his crown that makes him the king. She knows it’s because of her that her husband is praised in the gates. She knows that she has to cover her household in prayer. She understands that submission is to get (sub) under the vision of her husband and support him and the vision. This is some of the characteristics of a wife. A husband doesn’t want to find a woman who isn’t really happy. Loneliness and lack of fulfillment is not going to attract your husband. He wants to be able to add to your happiness. Your life should look so amazing that he wants to be a part of it and multiply that happiness. Don’t grow weary in the waiting process and don’t compare your life to the next woman. You don’t always know what is really going on in someone’s life. You have to stay excited and keep an expectation. Don’t allow past hurts to cause you not to have a positive expectation. You can’t say you are in faith and not in expectation. You praise God as you live your life in expectation that one day your husband will manifest. If you prayed it already, then he is already here. You just need him to manifest. That is another blog and teaching in it’s own. You have to learn to embrace the process. The process is designed for your benefit. If you despise it, it will be your demise.

So if you are wondering why your husband hasn’t find you yet, ask yourself these questions. Do I really know who I am? Am I pursuing my purpose? Am I prepared to be a wife? Am I a wife?

Which picture attracts you more?

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Miracles Still Happen

A couple of weeks ago I was in Wal-Mart rushing trying to get out the store because I wasn’t feeling my best. As I passed by the jewelry department, I noticed a lady with her back turned to me. She resembled a lady I use to live next door when I was five years old. I wasn’t very sure because it was so many years ago. I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to stop so I did. I tapped her on her shoulder and she turned around. Are you Mrs. Sara I asked? Yes, who are you she replied. I told her who I was and she didn’t remember me all that much, but my mom after asking to see a picture. We talked about how she was doing and what was going on in her life. She told me she was scheduled for open heart surgery on September 2. The doctors told her she had her huge hole in her heart from an aneurysm in her heart. She told me that she knew God was giving her a 2nd chance at life because they told her that she had this for a while and didn’t know. She could tell that I wasn’t feeling my best, so she asked me what was going on with me. Instead of focusing on how I was feeling. I took it as an opportunity to minister to her about faith and believing God for healing. I told her that God could heal her and she wouldn’t even need the surgery. She was honest and said that her faith wasn’t where mine was, but she agreed for me to pray for her. She thought I was going to pray for her once I left, but I asked could I pray for her right there in the store. We prayed and people just continued to walk by. I gave her a hug and told her to be encouraged. I gave her my card and told her to contact me if she needed.

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This morning as I was preparing to start my day my phone rang from an unfamiliar number. I answered it reluctantly. I heard a voice on the other end. She said “Tara this is Sara who you prayed for in Wal- Mart. I called to give you good news this morning. I was in a car accident and had to come to hospital in Columbia”. I was thinking I hope this gets better. She continued,“They did a scan of my heart because of the aneurysm. They don’t understand what has happened. The whole in my heart is gone and there is no signs of an aneurysm.” she said. Tears just flowed from my eyes because she was so excited. The doctors had just gave her the news and she wanted to let me know. The doctors was confused because they didn’t have an explanation. She told them she knew. She told them about our encounter and asked to call me. She had my card with her at the hospital. She thanked me for my faith and for praying for her. I told her that it was no one but GOD and He is the only ONE that needed to be thanked. I just continued to praise God on the phone and forgot about her for a moment. She interrupted me by asking me if I would please put it on my website because she didn’t have the internet to do it herself. She wanted me to share her miracle!!! If you are going through something that man think is impossible, I challenge you to simply believe God!! He is able to do anything. (Jeremiah 32:27 says, Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?) The answer is NO, there is nothing too hard for God!! There is power in prayer and we should pray for one another.  I am elated that she got her miracle, her faith was increased, and most importantly God is being glorified !!! Share your miracle or testimony how God has blessed you!! You never know who needs to hear your story!

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I Thought He Was My Husband

“God, how can this be happening?” I cried aloud. I was sitting in the airport crying my eyes out because I just found out that the man I was going to marry was planning to propose to another woman. I was completely devastated. In 2002, I ended the longest relationship I had ever been in, so that I could focus on God and what it was He had created me to do. I recommitted myself to God and vowed to remain abstinent until I married the man I was destined to marry. I had no desire for a relationship until I met this guy. We got to know each other and spent a lot of time together. I thought I was ready for a relationship again especially since I heard God tell me that this is the guy I was supposed to marry. I had several people around me who confirmed this for me. God shared  certain things my husband would possess prior to me meeting him. He held many of those qualities. He was everything I thought I wanted and most importantly He had a sincere relationship with God. I never told him I thought I would marry him one day. I just continued to focus on getting to know him and build our relationship. . Well one night, I found out he was spending significant time with another girl who he had planned to ask to be his wife. I was devastated. I started questioning everything I thought I heard God say. I reflected and realized I was even more hurt because I started treating him like a husband already and he only viewed me as an option. He never identified me as his wife. Had I misinterpreted what God spoke to me about him?  Maybe I allowed people to speak to me about who my husband was and wasn’t really listening to God on the matter. I was just so excited about the possibility that I the tuned God out of the equation. I was so embarrassed by the situation that I didn’t even want to face anyone. I wanted to go hide underneath a rock.

As a Christian woman who loves God, I have not always made the right decisions in my life. To be honest, I’m not proud of everything, but it has made me who I am today. I didn’t plan on sharing this until God placed it on my heart a few days ago. Ladies, we have to be careful to not let our emotions cloud our judgment. Often we can think the man in our life is supposed to be the one that we marry without God confirming that. We have to really seek God and know that he is the one God has sent. I considered myself to have a close relationship with God, but I obviously missed it in that area. If a guy wants to marry you and believes he is your husband, he will communicate that in more ways than one way. His actions and his words will line up with His Word. You won’t have to second guess whether it’s the person God has for you. GOD WILL SPEAK TO BOTH OF YOU!!!  I had to accept my part in this as well. I couldn’t blame him entirely because I wanted something so much that I made it something it really wasn’t. You don’t give a man husband treatment when he isn’t on that level yet. It will only cause you hurt and disappointment. In my heart I viewed him as my husband, and I started treating him as such. As woman we are nurturers by nature, but allow God to lead you in EVERYTHING. I didn’t break my abstinence vow to God. I wasn’t trying to go back down a road God already delivered me from. However, in every other way I was acting as someone I wasn’t in his life. I also had to put limits on that relationship. So often we don’t change the parameters of a relationship and think that it won’t affect us. We can’t allow random guys hold significant places in our lives… You don’t have to treat someone like your husband just because you want him to be. You don’t have to give your body to a man to keep him around. You are a rare ruby and God has place treasure on the inside of you. That is what should attract your mate. Don’t occupy space in your life with random men. Put on your running shoes and run from those guys who has been sent as a distraction. Instead, run to God.  Focus on God and allow Him to reveal you to your husband in due time. It is important that you have people in your life that can hold you accountable and with whom you can be transparent. One of the reasons I started Rare Rubies is so that women can have other women that they can share and encourage one another in God. We can uplift each other. Spend time with women who have the same goal. I have friends who go on dates and ask me to call them at a certain time to make sure their date has ended. They know that after a certain time that they are liable to want to do things. You have to be honest about where you are in you walk.  It is possible to live our lives for Christ and not be focused on a relationship that isn’t relevant in your life. I know it’s possible because I’m walking that out in my life currently. It has been 12 years that I am waiting on the husband God has for me, and I refuse to settle or be distracted by any imposters.

If any of you find yourself in that place, don’t be afraid to reach out. You can email me at iamareruby@gmail.com or contact me through https://iamarareruby.com/contact-me/.

Tara Middleton

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Where is My Boaz?

This time of year seems to be the season of weddings. Everyone seems to be getting married. As a single woman who has been single for years now, I know how this season can be for my single and waiting sisters. I know firsthand how that feeling can be, especially when there aren’t even any prospects. We can be like “God, what is going on? Where is my Boaz?” I know you may be tired of hearing “You have plenty of time! He’s coming!” How many of you have heard this over and over again? Sometimes you are thinking plenty of time for what? These are all things that even a saved single, still gets tired of hearing. Let’s be real! Instead of being encouraging it can often be discouraging or even agitating at times.

Sisters you can’t get anxious and decide to put matters into your own hand. Don’t casually date random guys just so you can have companionship. Don’t just go to dinner with a guy because someone tells you “At least it’s a free dinner!” No that dinner is not free, you are paying for it one way or another. I wouldn’t want to waste my valuable time with a random guy that you know isn’t going to go anywhere. You want the guy that God has just for you. You don’t want to play games with a guy. Don’t just keep him around so if you are bored you will have someone to call or something to do. Get rid of some of those numbers out your phone that you may be tempted to call or text when you get lonely. We don’t like guys playing around with us, and we should do the same in return. I recently saw some videos on Facebook where girls was proposing to their guys. Ladies we should not be getting on our knees to ask a man to marry us. The man God has for you will be the priest, prophet, and protector of your home. He is supposed to be the head and the leader. If he doesn’t ask you to be his wife, he isn’t trying to be your head or lead you anywhere for that matter. Don’t try to make something work just because you are tired of waiting or want him to be the one. Don’t try and flaunt yourself in front of a guy in whom you are interested. I was listening to a famous actress share how she used twitter to get her guy’s attention. Don’t go liking all of a guy’s old pictures from 2002 in order to get him to notice you. Let God be the author of your love story and not yourself. He is the Master of Creation, allow Him to be creative in how He places you with your mate.

Let this season of your life, be where you start working on the things God has designed you or purposed for you to do. Take this time to complete some of your goals. If you don’t know what it is that you are purposed to do, start there. Spend time seeking what you were purposed to do. I was in a serious relationship that I ended because I wanted to know what it was God wanted me to do. I wanted to be able to give God 100% before giving a man a 100% of me. I wanted to see if we had similar visions for our lives. If not, there would eventually be a split in the road somewhere. It has been 12 years since I did that, and yes I’m still waiting for my Boaz. I have had a couple of imposters or people who I thought may have been. I thank God that He is protecting me and preserving me for my husband. I found that during this time of singleness I have been able to serve God in a way, that if I was married I wouldn’t be able to do without certain challenges. Don’t become impatient. It will leave you hurt. Don’t give pieces of your heart to all the random guys that don’t matter. You should give your whole heart to the man God has for you not the pieces left over. Give your heart to God and He will cover and protect it for your mate. He will be worth the wait, God will not disappoint you. Remember anything worth having is worth the wait. Rejoice with your sisters or brothers who has found their mates. Never allow jealousy to set in your heart. Don’t allow society to put the “My biological tock is clicking” thought in your head or your vocabulary! God is in control and He will make sure your Boaz will wake up on time and he won’t oversleep. Meanwhile, make sure you are working out your purpose and getting prepared for the presentation!

 

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Signs of a Toxic Relationship

We all desire and hope to be in a healthy relationship, not just romantically but also with those around us. Sometimes we are in these relationships so long, we don’t even realize whether or not the relationship is healthy or not. We often live life day to day without recognizing that the relationship we think is healthy is really toxic. Sometimes we live in these toxic relationships so long it becomes our “normal”. However, just because something is normal to you, it doesn’t mean it is right. Toxic relationships are poisonous, harmful, malicious, and can even cause death. There are many signs of a toxic relationship. Today I will give you 4 signs that the relationship that you are engaged in is TOXIC.

You are the only one putting in work in the relationship. A relationship requires two people actively working each day to make it better. It can’t survive off of who has done what in the past, but it matters who is putting work in at this present moment. One person doing all the work will not make a relationship healthy. It will result in you feeling drained. It is like a bank account. If no deposits are being made, then you can’t make a withdrawl unless it will end in the negative. If a person isn’t investing anything in the relationship, then they shouldn’t be enjoying any returns. You deserve a relationship with someone who thinks you are worth making an investment.

You start to lose yourself in the relationship. You wake up one day and realize you don’t know yourself anymore. Maybe you used to do things you loved that you no longer do anymore. You could be less energetic and excited about life. You could have compromised who you were without realizing in order to stay in a relationship. You don’t speak your mind about things that actually bother you because you want to keep peace. A healthy relationship allows you to be yourself. You should be completely comfortable being YOU, and not have to worry whether the other person won’t accept you.

You aren’t allowed to grow or change. Whenever, you start to grow or better yourself, it is viewed negatively, mocked, or even ignored. Your efforts, dreams, or goals aren’t supported or encouraged. Maybe you support them, but nothing you do is acknowledged. They can be critical or judgmental of anything you may do. Personal growth and development should be welcomed and encouraged in a healthy relationship.

The person word and actions often disagree. They tell you one thing, but their actions show another. They could tell you how appreciated you are, but their actions say you have no value to them. They always tell you what they are going to do, but they never perform. Sometimes they will tell you anything for the moment if they feel in danger of you leaving or if you are upset. Then after the storm is over, they are back to doing the same thing over again. Healthy relationships should reflect a person’s word lining up with their actions. Words are powerful, but when the actions show otherwise, it holds no value.

If you can identify with any of those signs, you may want to evaluate your relationship. Here are some questions that you should ponder to help you realize if your relationship is toxic.

  • Does the relationship provide an even give-and-take exchange of energy?
  • Does this person celebrate my success?
  • Am I completely fatigued when I’m with the person and energetic when they’re gone?
  • Is my fear of starting over or newness the only thing that is holding me back?
  • Do I find myself missing the old me?
  • Am I the only one investing in the relationship?
  • Do I feel good about myself when I am with this person?

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, begin to take the steps of being in a healthy relationship. It may not be the easiest thing for you to do, but you are worth it. You have the power to do anything you want to do!!

Common Mistakes in Relationships

At some point in life, everyone desires healthy relationships. Relationships on any level, whether it is marriage, dating, or friendship requires some level of attention and work. Many times you desire certain things in relationships, but you go no further than having the desire. There are two major reasons relationships do not work or fail. One is expectations that go unmet and and the other is lack of healthy communication. If you are married, in a relationship, or dating you can benefit from this. If you already have the perfect relationship, there is no harm of being reminded of what is required. So sit back, and join me as we discuss the two most common issues of relationships.

A relationship requires two people actively working toward a common goal. The first mistake done in relationships is that there are no expectations or goals for that relationship. Actually, both parties have expectations and things that they expect. The issue is that these expectations aren’t communicated with both parties. How can a person meet expectations that have never been discussed? Is it fair to an individual not to know what is expected? It is almost like a job. Before someone accepts a position, expectations are laid out. Then you decide whether it is something that you are willing to do or accept. It is not fair to you or the other individual to carry on without knowing expectations. If expectations aren’t discussed, then assumptions are automatically made. Both individuals end up having to guess what the other person is thinking and assumptions are made about what the individual expects from you. We all know what is said about assumptions. It is said that it makes an @$$ out of you and the individual. It really is a recipe for disaster and causes unnecessary stress. If every little thing or repetitive things are discussed, it can become taxing or appearing to be nagging. This is why expectations have to be laid out and communicated to avoid this. It is like you wanting a snack out of the snack machine. You go stand in front of the snack machine and do nothing but hope the machine gives you what it is you want. It doesn’t work this way. If you want a snack, you must first put money into the machine and then press the buttons to select the snack you want. Even putting in money doesn’t guarantee that you are going to get what you want. You have to take the extra step to press the buttons and let the machine know what it is you desire. These are the same practical steps that have to be put into relationships. You must make some kind of investment such as time. Also, make it known to the individual what you desire.

There are appropriate times to discuss these things. You don’t want to take away from the fun times when you are spending time with each other to discuss these things. There need to be times spent when the two of you are just talking. Unfortunately, everyone doesn’t communicate the same way. We all have different love languages. This is another blog by itself, and I will touch that topic soon. Basically, we all don’t communicate the same way. You have to figure out what is the other person’s love language. One person can think they are communicating their affection, love, or interest in one way. However, the other person isn’t getting that message at all. Most of the time the issue is the both of you are COMMUNICATING THE SAME MESSAGE BUT IN A DIFFERENT WAY. You both could simply have different love languages and this is the case in most relationships. The key is discovering your love language as well as the other person. Sometimes you have to compromise and communicate in the other person’s love language. That is why communication is so important if you want a successful relationship. Also your method of communication could be different. When you are married, you have the advantage of living in the same household. With busy schedules, children, and just life itself though, you still may have to plan accordingly. Take time out each night or some point during the day to talk with your spouse about your day. No television, social media, or electronics, but just quality time talking to your spouse.

Some times in relationships, we wait until issues occur to the point we are fed up before talking about things. If you keep sweeping things underneath the rug, then it will just keep piling up. Then one day, you trip up over that pile you been trying to ignore. When you are in a relationship or dating, things may be different for you. Everyone may not be the type of person who likes to talk on the telephone or their phone conversation just may not be that intriguing. If you aren’t usually a person that talks on the phone, you may want to make an effort if you are really interested in making it work. Sometimes it takes more of an effort than just picking up the phone. You may have to actually talk and give your undivided attention beyond the basics of how are you doing today, especially if you are still getting to know each other. If the telephone just isn’t for you, then set up time outside of your regular date night. Take that time and go for coffee or spend it just talking. This is the time that these expectations can be discussed and it won’t interfere with the time that you spend doing fun things. Who knows, you may actually enjoy talking to your partner. Wouldn’t that be something? Dating is a time to ask questions! Discuss your goals, dreams, aspirations, likes, or dislikes. When these conversations are skipped or ignore, then you aren’t really building a foundation. When you do, you will then enjoy the time that you spend together more because you know more about each other beyond the how was your day moments.

Healthy communication is key. By the way healthy communication isn’t occurring when you are yelling or arguing. No one is really listening during these times. Also, just because someone wants to discuss something, that isn’t an argument. That is simply called a discussion. Both people need to communicate not just one. Many guys are not big talkers when it is about issues or communicating their feelings. However, certain things need to be discussed and if those expectations are discussed, you will know each person’s positions on things. Sometimes if a guy hears “we need to talk” line, they are immediately apprehensive. However, I am not just talking about issues, but just regular conversation. Who wants to keep talking about issues all of the time? No one really should because this can be draining. Many of those conversations can be eliminated when discussing your expectations up front like discussed earlier. There are practical things that have to be done when you want a healthy relationship. We take practical steps in everything else in life. You can’t just think that a relationship is going to magically fall in place and things are going to just work because you want them to or even if you prayed about it. You have to put in the work. I have said over and over again. If you don’t put money in the bank, you can’t keep thinking you can make withdrawals. You will eventually be overdrawn. If you aren’t willing to invest, you can’t expect to get a return. Whatever it is that you expect from a relationship, you have to be willing and actually put that into a relationship. Relationships take work and both parties have to be willing to work. This is what separates the wheat from the tare, girls from the women, or boys from the men shall I say. So if you are having any of these issues, just evaluate what it is that you are doing now. If adjustments need to be made, adjust and begin to enjoy your relationship on another level. If you want something you never had, you must do something you have never done.

Are you willing to put in the work for a successful or healthy relationship? Or are you the person just standing in front of the snack machine?