Let’s Talk About Sex

              October 27, 2016

 I’m tired of just hanging with the guys or girls. I want to be on a date like the rest of my friends who are booed up. Girl, that’s easy for you to say when you are going home to a man in your bed every night. Sound familiar?  Even if you aren’t single now you, I am sure you went through this stage at one point in your life. We all have been here if you are honest with yourself. I can’t say what you have encountered, so let me be transparent with you about what I have experienced. My last relationship was 8 years ago. Yes 8 years! I found that whenever I made the decision to be celibate and honor God with my body 15 years ago my dating life wasn’t as easy. Some people think that it is impossible to be celibate in a relationship.  It may not be easy, but it isn’t impossible. When God tells us, that sex should be within the covenant of marriage, He is not attempting to set you up to fail. God isn’t a jerk that wants to send you on a wild goose chase knowing you will never be able to maintain or obtain He has asked you to do. He would never give you anything to do that is impossible. I have no special ability and NO the call of God on my life doesn’t make it easier for me. It most certainly takes effort in keeping myself out of situations that could lead to sex.

Being single in and no committed relationship or courtship doesn’t make it less challenging either. You must use wisdom and don’t put yourself in situations where you know good and well it will make you want to have sex. I don’t care how close you are with God. You can have him on speed dial or wearing iron clad underwear, but it doesn’t mean you won’t have to fight sexual temptation. There’s no special superpower someone has to deny themselves. It takes using wisdom, discipline, and self -control.  Now I have done some pretty dumb things earlier while being celibate and everyone can’t do some of those things. Wisdom went straight out the window. For example, I was in a relationship and use to spend the night at his home. Wait for it…. not in separate rooms but in the same bed. Now you know God wasn’t pleased!  We are to stay abstain from the very appearance of evil. Now we didn’t even share a kiss, but was sharing a bed. I wish you could see my expression on my face. That could have destroyed my witness and destroyed my reputation if it was exposed. What if we were caught doing something so reckless?  Who would have believed that we weren’t having sex better yet not even kissing? I bet no one is raising your hand right about now. Well Tara, you are a minister so you can’t do anything like that. Oh, really? When did the Word of God only applied for the leaders and ministers of the gospel? Oh, we try to talk ourselves out of things that we don’t want to know the truth about. We fight with ideas and other scriptures to justify what we are doing in our lives. We compare our lives to others.

 “At least I am not doing, what they are doing! So God I am not that bad! God is still working on me! He knows my heart!”

 Yes, we all have areas in our lives that we can stand to grow more. God can’t work on you unless you open your heart to Him in that area. You must let him be Lord over every area of your life. We try to pick and choose where we want Him to lead.  We want Him to protect us. We want Him to provide for us, but our relationships are off limit. I hear already someone saying.

“I go to work every day and I work for my own money. I work hard for what I do.”

If you start thinking to yourselves, “I did all this. And all by myself. I’m rich. It’s all mine!”—well, think again. Remember that God, your God, gave you the strength to produce all this wealth so as to confirm the covenant that he promised to your ancestors—as it is today. Deuteronomy 8:18

Some of us get in relationships He didn’t lead us in, but we want Him to bless our relationship. The relationship that we entered ourselves without seeking Him about. Now that we have invested so much of ourselves we just ask God to bless the relationship. Now that relationship could be the one God has for you. Sometimes we move ahead of Him. You could have the right relationship at the wrong time. That is another message for another day. My people! My heart truly aches for this generation. We know so much, but we know nothing.  Thank God that He gave me grace to use wisdom and to make some sound decisions when I was behaving recklessly.  When you are in courtship, you should let God lead you in your convictions. No God doesn’t want you having sex, sharing your bed, and giving your body to someone who isn’t your wife or husband. I know that society tells you that it is okay if you love him and know you are going to marry him. Engaged doesn’t mean married and unfortunately that doesn’t please God. God isn’t trying to punish you. Have you ever thought that He commanded that because He knew all the things we could encounter? Have you ever thought that maybe that it was His way of protecting us even from ourselves?  Sexual sin is one of the only sins that you can commit against your own body. You don’t have to have sex with your partner to keep them. If they love you, they will wait and encourage you along the way. If they do not, then look at it as God’s way of protecting you.

 “Tara, I don’t feel I am having sex with my boo to keep them…Girl I am the one that wants to have sex. I have a high libido. I feel closer to them when we have sex. It gives us a deeper connection”

I have heard all of those before and I urge you to dig deeper for your reason. Maybe it is because it has always been your MO and you are just used to having sex in a relationship. How else will you know that you will be sexually satisfied with someone before you marry. Will you take a used car home from the dealership without test driving?  Your body is not a Benz, Lexus, or Jeep. When God leads you to your mate, they will have everything you desire and require. He is your Creator; He knows the number of hairs on your big head. Surely He can give you someone to satisfy you sexually. He knows your body better than you know. It is called TRUST! Now if you have had sex before marriage, pray that you have every negative soul tie from your past broken. Soul ties were created to be a beautiful thing. However, when your soul is connected to someone God didn’t intend or before the right season, it only complicates things. Ever had that boo that something just keep pulling you back? You can’t seem to move on and you know that it is over or should be? It is probably a soul tie. Before you enter marriage pray that any soul ties you have had in the past is gone. Your spouse will be competing with someone who is no longer in your life. Yet, they could very well be in your bed.  You could think you aren’t sexually satisfied because you experienced better with someone else.  That is why we aren’t supposed to have sex outside the realms of marriage. God wants you to have mind blowing sex within the covenant of marriage. This is important even if you are already married and haven’t done this.

 No sex before marriage will allow you to think more clearly. You can hear clearly about what God is speaking to you about this individual. Sex complicates things and sometimes become anesthesia to the real issues in your relationship. It makes you numb to the problems and allow you to turn a blind eye to things you normally wouldn’t. It is never too late for you to be celibate and decide to wait. Is it harder if you are already engaged in sex?? YES, but thank God that it isn’t impossible. It starts with your decision that you want to experience God’s best in that area of your life. If you are in an intimate relationship already, it may be harder for you to make the decision. However, His grace is sufficient. It will require some effort on your part and putting boundaries in place. If you think you have the greatest relationship now, it will make it that much greater. I must keep it real. Now in some cases, your relationship won’t last. You may start to see things that were once vague. You may not like what you see. You may be afraid of seeing the truth. That could be one of your reasons you haven’t initiated the process yet. Just know that whatever the reasons, this isn’t impossible for you to do. This isn’t just a bunch of bologna and it isn’t the new popular craze. It has been being done for centuries. It is what God desires for your life.

I have found that some of the strongest connections I experienced in past relationships were ones where we chose to honor God with our bodies. It causes you to dig deeper and to face the music sometimes for a song that you don’t want to hear. Yet, it will be one of the greatest decisions you have made in your life. For those of you that have already made that commitment, I am sending you a virtual high five and hug. I know it’s not easy, but the rewards of being obedient to God is much sweeter. Oh, yes! The enemy, will highlight other relationships where you know people are having sex and it appears that they are still being blessed with marriage. Why am I being faithful and all these other people around me have a woman or man? They look happy and I’m still waiting. What is the point of not having sex if everyone still getting the same reward? Marriage isn’t the ultimate reward of being celibate. That is not a promise if you keep yourself. That isn’t the reason you should not have sex. It should be because you want to honor God with your body and commit yourself on another level to Him. Now there are fringe benefits that come along with honoring God, but don’t let it be just for marriage. Why? When you don’t get married right away or waiting for years, it will be hard to continue. It will become easier to leave your decision to be celibate behind in the dust. I didn’t sit down to write about abstaining from sex until marriage. I thought I was going to encourage someone through their season of singleness, but God had another plan. God loves you so much that He interrupted the regular program to share His heart for you. I will post the other blog later. I must always be led and go with His leading.  . This isn’t something that is my personal opinion and that I made up because it sounds good. It is just the Word of God. Even if you don’t believe in Him abstinence really is a great protection plan. It allows  you to focus more on the deeper things in relationships that we don’t always discover until it’s too late. I can truly go on and on, but I just want to start the conversation

I truly want to hear from you all about your thoughts on having sex before marriage. I have received many emails and messages about this topic and keep them coming. I don’t always address them on an open forum unless God leads me, but you will get a response. The conversation about sex is so taboo. If we don’t talk about it, we will continue to be deceived. Let’s talk about sex! 

Tara S. Middleton

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5 comments

  1. Great read. Thank you for your candor. It is refreshing to have a leader and minister of the gospel be so transparent. Great discussion topic Tara.

  2. This is very well needed in the world and in the Body of Christ we have become so complacent wwith doing things the way the world would have us to do them to we forget about what our father wants and required of us, if we’re not careful the world will deceive I in more ways than one but I feel like this is one of the major issues in the world.today, people are so focused on pleasing the flesh and man, but then you want to run to God when things are against you but you didn’t honor him before why are you running now..

  3. This is probably the single biggest challenge young Christian face. I have heard this issue described as sexual atheism, because the members in the body of Christ have become blind to biblical teachings on the issue. I think Matthew 26:41 is a good scripture to reference for this issue. “Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” – Matthew 26:41

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